“Has Tina said or done anything to make you feel that she isn’t?”

“No, she hasn’t said or done anything outright but that’s what concerns me. She’s been very agreeable to most everything I’ve suggested. In the past I have found that she hasn’t always been forthcoming with her honest feelings and opinions. She would say one thing but her nonverbal communication sometimes said something different. She held things back until it built up then she lashed out or ran away from it. It was only when I sensed something wrong or I challenged her is when she’d fess up to her true thoughts and feelings. It’s that passive aggressive behavior that we talked about. It concerns me that it might cause us problems in the future as we get more entrenched.”

“Bette this isn’t so much about Tina’s commitment to the change as it is about your lack of trust in her. There are two ways of thinking that will destroy trust in any relationship and will keep you from building trust in a new relationship such as the one that you and Tina have. You two have never stopped loving each other but your trust was broken. Love without trust is not going to last. It sounds like you haven’t moved beyond the past pain with Tina and you are linking it with future events that have no bearing.

You’re having anxiety about abandonment, failure, and even some guilt that you’re bullying your way into getting what you want. You can’t build trust until and unless you get back to this very moment and differentiate the past, the future, and the present. You have to shift your thinking to focus on the ‘now’. Time and actions are the only true measure of the level of trust you two have between you. Unless she gives you reasons not to trust her in the ‘now’; you need to give her the benefit of the doubt.

You said it yourself that it was your lack of communication that caused your detriment in the past. Don’t let that be the cause today. Talk to her. Ask her to be completely honest with you. Give her the confidence that regardless what she says or how she feels you will listen and not judge her. She needs to feel that you accept her for who she is now and that you value her and her opinions. The trust issue goes both ways Bette. She has to trust you as much as you need to trust her. She might still look at you as this uncompromising ‘alpha’ female that she met 15 years ago not realizing that the experiences of the past 7 or 8 years have really changed you. Having a daughter has changed your priorities; losing Tina twice has had an impact on you and increased your vulnerability to her. She probably doesn’t even realize how much power you’ve given over to her. You are more relaxed and less controlling, and she’s more confident and assertive.”