You have to involve her in the move and in having another baby, but the one area where you have full control is in opening your gallery. That’s an opportunity to shift the paradigm. Don’t just tell her your plans for the gallery involve her in some of the decisions. Take her on some of your trips to galleries, or art shows or wherever it is that you discover new talent. If she doesn’t have any interest in doing these things with you then she can’t be resentful when you do it on your own but if you make an assumption that she wouldn’t be interested and you leave her out of everything to do with something you’re so passionate about, that’s when you start distancing yourselves. I guess the bottom line is; don’t get so self-involved. Stay connected throughout the process and don’t lose touch with each other’s lives. You’re both going to need to compromise at some point so be ready for that and don’t think of it as a failure or giving in.”

“You’re right doc. It really does all boil down to trust and getting past the hurt feelings from the past. I was doing so well and then it just hit me.”

“Give yourself time Bette. You said it yourself it’s only been three months.”

“I know, but there is something else.”

What’s that?”

“Finances. Once I quit CU and become a gallery owner the entire landscape of our financially secure future changes. I’m afraid that her petty bourgeois anxiety over money is going to resurface again. It was her fear and insecurity about finances and her lack of faith in my ability to make a living that led me to give up the gallery in the first place. Money was at the root of our breakup after Angie was born.”

“OK once again let’s distinguish past, present and future. She had what you call ‘petty bourgeois anxiety over money’ in the past. You have to recall what was happening at the time. She’d quit her high paying job as a movie executive. She was solely dependent on you for financial support. She was intent on being at home with Angie but because of the changes in your job situation and her concerns about money she felt the need to work. She then takes on the Directorship at the center which is more modest in pay plus she is working part-time. While she’s stressing about paying for everything, you were ‘passionately unemployed’ and happy staying at home with the baby. Can you think about that objectively enough to understand her resentment and her reaction at the time? Granted you weren’t living on the streets. You had valuable assets to fall back on but she didn’t see that clearly and you did nothing to assure her.