“I just don’t want to ever find out that she’s compromising to appease me. That’s what happened when she was trying to get pregnant. She completely shut me out so I buried myself in my work thinking I was doing the right thing for our family. We just drifted so far apart that we couldn’t find our way back to each other after all the damage was done, and that led to her affair.”

“Bette starting a family was major and granted you both handled it badly and it tore you apart. That was tragic but learn from it, don’t dwell on it. Don’t let it spoil what you’ve got going on now. Seven years ago she made compromises but considering everything you two are embarking on right now I doubt very seriously that she would compromise on your future together when a child is involved just to appease you. You have a more balanced partnership now Bette. You don’t need to take on all the burdens for the family. Tina is more than capable of carrying her share of the load and I’m sure she would welcome it.
You are in it together. If she tells you that she is supporting your decision to quit the job at CU to open your own gallery; to move the family to the beach, and eventually to have another child why would you doubt her? By the same token it’s natural to have some anxiety when you are dealing with a lot of unknown factors and taking a leap of faith. So the best way to allay those fears is to talk about them, plan for them to the extent that you can, and deal with the facts. Don’t start imagining all the things that could go wrong before they even happen.”

“How do I stop myself from doing that when all I know is how we’ve reacted to each other in the past? We’re so new in this relationship that the past is all I have to go by.”

“It’ll take time but you are learning more each day as you get to know the ‘new and improved’ versions of your former selves. You’ve both changed in significant ways over the past several years. Don’t fear being your true self with Tina or else you will just end up spending all your effort on trying to be the Bette that you think she wants to see. Rather than having all these thoughts going through your mind which are causing you all this panic, just talk to her. Communicate your fears and concerns clearly in a non-accusatory way because the way you are presenting it to me sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. If you approach it like that with her then you are sure to get some push back.