On the Monday morning, Tina changed into her freshly laundered clothes from the previous Friday and kissed her daughter goodbye. Bette made the first move and hugged her ex-wife tightly, thanking her for the much needed time. She left Bette’s house feeling lighter, feeling strangely refreshed, although there was still this feeling following behind. A feeling that something was going to go terribly wrong at any moment. It was a dread that always seemed to follow a few steps behind. The difference was now she was aware that it existed. She got into her car and pulled out of the driveway. On her way home she dialed a few numbers, got a few contacts, it seemed as though Dan had moved to a different practice but, ultimately, she did manage to track him down. She asked if there were any appointments available and discovered that he had an opening the following week for potential intake. She agreed to it, scheduled the time slot, and continued her drive home.

Knowing that she had to talk to Carrie and tell her what was going on stressed Tina out beyond measure. Deciding how she was going to have that conversation was ridiculously compounded by the urge to just lay herself bare, say everything that was crossing her mind without warning, although she knew doing that would make her sound irrational and harsh. She often sounded harsh, she realized. Sometimes she even meant to. But it wasn’t who she was as a person, harshness didn’t come naturally. She remembered a time when she laughed and she meant it, when telling a lie felt dishonest, and when her heart truly felt like it was in the right place. Now? Who could say where her heart was. Everything had gotten so entirely out of hand and it wasn’t even an abrupt change. It happened slowly over time, it spread like a disease, it was insidious. When she arrived home, she immediately went inside and took a shower. The water temperature was turned so high she thought it could almost, and actually, burn her. Washing away the guilt wasn’t easy, it didn’t exactly work, however, she got used to the heat and felt her muscles relax under the cascade of scalding snakes forming thin little rivers and streams down her back, over shoulders, and chest.