“Hey baby sis, I made you some tea. You look exhausted” Kit says. God bless this woman. I can see so much love in her eyes. I suddenly think about how badly I treated her when she came to my house trying to read me ‘the list’ and a knot forms in my throat. And here we go again, I’m crying. I cover my face with my hands and keep repeating “I’m sorry… I’m sorry”.

            “There’s nothing to be sorry for” she says, trying to reassure me. But that’s not true. People keep leaving me and I am the reason.

            “Yes, Kit” I sob, but I somehow manage to speak “People always leave me. Why do they always leave me? Because I make them leave”

            “No one left you. I am here, your friends are here. Your baby girl is here” she holds my face in her hands. She’s looking into my eyes and I can see, again, her love for me and it hurts too much. I don’t deserve it.

            “Mommy left me; my baby boy left me; Tina; daddy; you” I manage to say through my sobs.

            “Daddy and your baby boy are gone not because they wanted to. They’re gone because something stronger took them away from you, but don’t think they did it because of you. That’s not true! And I am still here, Bette” she’s trying to make me come to my senses but I don’t think I’m listening to her. My mind seems to be working by itself.

            “Yes, you left. And I can’t blame you… I was the constant remembrance of daddy’s mistakes. I am the reason he left your mother and I am sure you hated me, that’s why you always found excuses for being away from me. But it’s not your fault. I’m not blaming you. It’s okay to hate me. I always manage to hurt people… It’s okay to hate me” I’m shaking as I say these words. My tears flowing down my cheek as rivers, dusky rivers; rivers full of regret and mistakes.

            “Baby sis you have to stop blaming yourself. No one left you because of your actions, okay? I’ve never hated you” her voice breaks “I’ve never hated you, how could I? You were so small, so fragile. You needed me and instead, I was too weak. Don’t put the blame on yourself. It’s not your fault that I went away. But I’m here now, and I won’t go anyway. I’ll be here with you” she’s holding me. She’s holding me like sisters do, but she’s holding me like mothers do as well; I guess… I don’t really know how it feels like to be held by a mother, but this feels good. I keep crying and sobbing and I can feel the forces are leaving my body. I’m falling asleep, again. It’s the only thing left that is capable of giving me some relief. I wish I could sleep forever.