It’s finally 9 a.m. and our little girl is starting to fuss; she’s hungry. Tina woke up with a start at the sound of Angelica’s voice. She runs into the bedroom without even noticing I’m here, sitting on the chair opposite the couch. Well, that’s good, a mother puts her own child first no matter the circumstances. But I can’t help the feeling of loss when I realize that she doesn’t even realize I am here in the same room with her. I can hear her talking with our baby girl. I can’t make out the words but it brings a smile on my face. And to think that this was our dream… being in the same house – our home, with our children. And now, we barely speak; we barely know each other.

She still can have it, yeah… and it will be even easier. Everything is easier with a man, she said. She can easily get pregnant with a man. This hurts so fucking much. This is another thing I’m not able to offer to her. It is a dream that slowly turned into a nightmare. I don’t know if I want to fight for her anymore. I don’t feel compelled to destroy her dream of a safe and secure family. After all, I brought her pain when I decided to cheat on her. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for doing it. I won’t hold her… if that’s what she wants I can’t stop her from reaching her happiness.

“She was hungry, she’s asleep now” she says coming back from the bedroom. Actually, I don’t even know why she’s talking to me.

“Good” I reply, just because I have to say something back. You know, good manners. I’m still sitting on the chair and she’s now standing right before me. She’s not saying anything, neither I am. I pat my thighs and sigh, “I’d better go” I stand up.

“I’m the one who’s supposed to go away” she then says. “That’s what I meant yesterday when I said it wasn’t fair”

“I don’t really care” I look down, “I don’t want to live here, where you explored your feelings for men. I don’t want to live here where everything that meant anything to me had been threw off of a bridge. I can’t. I just can’t” I’m not yelling, I’m saying it with an actual calm that it almost scares me. It’s like every inch of my soul abandoned my body. “I need to go away, otherwise I’m going to lose my mind. Just- just promise me you won’t take her away from me” and here’s where I can feel my soul again. Thinking about my daughter manages to make me feel alive. I can feel my eyes filling with tears.