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Uncharted Territory
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‘Let’s go home.’
She doesn’t protest when I lead her into my apartment, nor when I turn on the shower and tell her to get under. Nor when I tell her to lay down in my bed. She just slides under the covers, closing her eyes. I watch her for a few moments, until I can’t take it anymore. The picture too much to handle. Her dark curls spread out over the white pillow on her side of the bed. Her hand under her head. Her face slowly relaxing as she drifts off. Her long eyelashes touching the skin under her eyes. My wife…in my bed… and all I can do is walk out and go next door, in order not to break down again.
‘Where is Bette?’ Renee asks as I come in and see her sitting in the fauteuil next to the bed.
‘She is sleeping in my bed.’ I drop myself in the comfy chair next to her and rest my head against the headrest. Closing my eyes and letting my heart rate return to normal. A mean headache starts slowly at my temples but quickly spreads through my skull.
‘Is she sick?’ Renee’s caring voice is barely reaching through the pounding drum beat in my head and I can’t even open my eyes to reply to her.
‘No, we had a hard moment earlier. She needs rest.’ I clench my teeth, wishing to disappear. My clothes are still wet, my hair too, I don’t have any will nor strength to do anything about that. I just want to walk back to my apartment and crawl into my bed next to her.
‘Are you ok?’
‘No.’ My answer sounds more like a cry than a word. And I feel hot tears burning behind my closed eyelids. Will this ever stop?
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘No.’ I feel a blanket covering me before soft hands gently wipe away my tears, like my mother used to do when I was little. Sweet, French words are being whispered and lull me slowly to sleep.
Bette’s POV
‘Let’s go home…’ When I wake up, the bed is cold. My fingers stretch out, seeking Tina’s warmth but finding only the soft cover of the mattress. Of course she is not here… For a moment I bury my face in her pillow, relishing in the soft floral scent with a hint of citrus. I used to wake up every morning relishing in this scent, burying my nose in her neck and wrapping my arms tighter around her before the day would take over. The sound of the coffee machine grinding beans startles me and reminds me once again that I don’t live here. Effortlessly I find the light switch on the wall, soft light illuminates the bedroom, the bedroom that was once ours and is now just hers. Her jeans and a shirt are thrown carelessly over the chair. She always tend to create extra space in her wardrobe by using every possible surface she could find. Her sloppiness often drove me crazy, but now I miss it. Resisting the urge to fold the clothes and put them in the closet, my eyes roam further though the room and find a book lying on the nightstand. So she still reads before falling asleep. I walk to her side of the bed and pick up the book, wondering what she is reading nowadays. A photo, that she apparently uses as a bookmark, falls out and twirls down onto the floor. I pick it up and my own eyes stare back at me. It’s a picture she took during one of our weekend trips in France. She took it the moment I turned around to her and my eyes are telling a story of deep love and affection. Sitting down on the bed, my thoughts go back to yesterday. I don’t know what came over me when I started about a divorce. It’s the last thing I want. Jesus, I broke down completely, not that she looked much better, but at least she kept it together enough to take care of me. Carefully I place the picture back in the book, hoping she won’t notice I was intruding her privacy, I’m sure she would be ashamed if she would know I saw it, even though it gives me a glimpse of hope to work with. I find my dry clothes on the radiator in the bathroom, another thoughtful gesture that’s so typical for her. Taking a deep breath I reach for the doorknob. Tina is cruising around in the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher, daily chores. When she senses my presence she places the coffee mug down at the bar, where I used to sit every morning, before our ways would part for the day. ‘I made you coffee.’ When the smell of freshly baked croissants, that she places in between us, reaches my nose, my stomach gurgles. Quiet often she knew what I needed before I knew it myself.
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Good chapter , thank you!
But i have a question – how Bette find out about cheating. Tina told her, but for what reason – she just told her by herself, or Bette somehow find out and confronted Tina?
Hey, Tina immediately went home to tell Bette. She wasn’t hiding or sneaking around.
Okay, there is the apology from Tina for the act….. So what next?
Once again…. perhaps they can talk without using leading questions….. perhaps they can each describe how they saw their life the months preceding the incident…. Stop assuming what is going on in the other’s mind…. allow them to tell you what their thoughts are…..
Why was Tina “at her weakest” ?
Oh, and I find the BetteisBetter that she would rather have a partner have a one night stand than to treat her like Bette treated Tina – to be absolutely toxic….. At the moment all we have is that Bette may have been unavailable during the period of time before the Tina’s cheating. We see that Tina has no idea what Bette’s perception of life was – therefore we have no confidence that Tina is representing Bette behavior objectively. Tina appears to be the least objective person in this story….. and no matter how emotionally and physically Bette was not available, that does not excuse Tina from having sex with some other than her wife. That is the classic response from someone in an abusive relationship – “I cheated because you left me no choice OR because your behavior made me do it OR its what I needed to do to get your attention. OR because of your behavior, that is what you deserve.” – Those are extremely toxic responses.
That’s ok. Everyone has their own morals and values in life right. I respect your opinion without needing to put a label of judgment to it.
Not to beat a dead horse but it is quite clear that your intent is to excuse Tina’s infidelity. Going right home and telling Bette changes nothing. Actually makes it worse. In the original series Bette never tried to deny Candace even though all Tina saw was a look and swiping hands. Honesty changes nothing. Bette was at her lowest point during that time in the series. They had lost their baby. Tina shut her out. Bette’s job was on the line. These are not excuses. In your story Tina was supposedly upset at Bette’s work schedule. No comparison. And even if there were comparisons no excuse. You are literally trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Martha is correct. No matter what you try to do it just won’t fit. Sorry, desperate, low point, only one time etc. There is no foundation of trust at all. And the easy cheating? Very degrading to lesbians. Very stereotypical. And Tina remains so hostile and Bette is broken. This Bette and this Tina need to divorce. Just my observation.
This story has such a lovely premise – reunited to deal with the slow death of a loved one, Bette and Tina are faced with the consequences and demise of their own marriage and relationship. A highly emotional and stressful life event that has to impact their reactions to seeing each other again. And I am drawn in to the wasted time, the minutes that tick by as they stand in the same room yet miles apart simply because one can not – or will not – own her cruel behavior and the other won’t speak to how she feels. This chapter was a baby step in the right direction. I am curious as to what Bette will do. There hasn’t been a lot of kindness extended until the glimpses of it in this chapter, and Tina seems to be holding on to a whole lot of self righteous anger. The wording and writing in this story is very well done and clearly has sparked comments from readers in defense of the one cheated on. I remain cautiously optimistic but if Bette was my friend I would tell her not to stay in the apartment but to carve out time to spend together talking, healing, listening. With Renee failing each day there may not be enough time to reach a point where they can even begin to think about having a relationship again.
Hey BK. After reading your reply I realize that part of my reaction really is the negative depiction of lesbians. Lesbians cheat. No big deal. Get over it. It’s the same negative stereotyping taking place in Gen Q. Infidelity is the breaking of a solemn promise, an unbreakable bond. Why was it so easy for Tina to cheat? Why didn’t she talk to Bette? Very troublesome.
Thanks for the post. I would like to see them both in the Apartment It may encourage more discussion and mean that they share the caring more jointly.
Look forward to more
SG