The last three months had been a sort of a mixed blessing, for Carmen. Deejaying for Kit Porter every friday night paid well, and was a good way to keep an eye on Shane. Because Shane needed some help, and Carmen couldn’t stop wondering if leaving her had been the right to do. 

She was in love with Shane McCutcheon. But she couldn’t force her into a relationship when it was clear that Shane had still so many things to figure out. Shane was… an enigma. 

Carmen felt like the tips of her fingers could touch her – so deeply. But she also felt the coldness of a door suddenly closed to separate them. That door resided into Shane’s heart and only Shane had the key to open it – it didn’t matter how much Carmen wanted her, and it didn’t matter the warmth into Carmen’s eyes, smiles, kisses. Shane was the ruler of her own universe and Carmen didn’t have any power over a weakness and a fear that have been built for ages. 

Carmen knocked on the door, again, and this time the door opened and there Shane was – all black circles around her eyes and pout and messy hair.

“Hi”, Carmen clasped her hands together in her lap and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

Emotions flowed through Shane, like a waterfall they slammed her soul, but on her face nothing read.

“Hey Carm”, Shane scratched her head, near her temple. 

“May I come in?”, Carmen asked shyly. Then her eyes widened in a sudden worry, “I mean, if you’re not busy. I don’t know, maybe Molly’s here, but in case you’re alone – I mean, I was wondering, I thought we could… you know, talk”. 

Shane cracked and amused smile as she leaned against the door frame. 

“Are you stuttering?”, she asked, bowing her head and looking up at Carmen. 

Carmen blushed and closed her mouth, rolling her eyes. 

“No, Miss Coolness, I’m not stuttering”. 

“Miss Coolness?”, Shane arched her eyebrows and snickered. 

“Yeah”, Carmen grimaced, “That’s the perfect nickname for someone who never looks like they’re feeling something”. 

Shane stayed quiet and just stared at her, eyes unreadable, and Carmen realized the weight of her words and also that she had crossed a line. She didn’t mean to imply that Shane was insensitive. In fact she knew, perfectly well, that Shane felt – even too much. She only didn’t know [I]what[/I] Shane felt, exactly.