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    Chapter 17 – Only together, only forward

     

    ”Did you feel better?”

     

    ”I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel like it was easier, but it wasn’t hard either. It was as if it was just emptiness, no bright emotions about it.”

     

    ”About something else, did your emotions persist? Or did you feel empty in all areas of your life?”

     

    ”Hmm… for a while, any emotions about anything were blunted, but over time, I began to feel the full range of emotions in everything. But when it came to Oli, I just….. it was as if something in me was switching. I didn’t feel like crying, I didn’t feel like I was sick or needed help.”

     

    ”You’ve been blaming yourself for something that couldn’t feel pain? Did you interpret this state as indifference?”

     

    ”At first I was afraid that something was wrong with me, since I was so calm after the death of my child, then I thought that this was a defensive reaction and emotions would soon return with double force, but they did not return. I thought I was a total bitch for being so indifferent.”

     

    ”You blamed yourself, you thought something was wrong with you, but you let it go, you didn’t ask for help?”

     

    ”I remembered that pain and didn’t want to feel it again.”

     

    ”Over time, have you become comfortable in a state where you do not feel emotions about this topic?” 

     

    ”Don’t say that. I wasn’t comfortable. I just didn’t want to force myself to think about it.”

     

    Salma made a note in her notebook and continued. ”How did others react to your calmness? ”

     

    ”Kit kept telling me that Angelica needed me, that I had to be strong for her, that I had to take care of her. Of course, she was surprised that I’d sort of come to my senses. She doubted it for a while, worried about me, and kept asking questions. And then she got used to me being back in the ranks. What about friends… for a while, I felt that they were uncomfortable around me, they did not know how to behave, what to say. Tina was easier for them, they just felt sorry for her and comforted her, took care of her, while I looked quite healthy and they probably felt that it was strange. So they didn’t know how to interpret my condition.”

    Comments

    1. This story is very sad, yet inspiring. From the depths of despair can come hope if one will just look for it. Bette and Tina have both repressed their feeling of loss and hurt for a long time. And although this loss is something they will never get over they must learn to live with it and to put their lives into a loving and caring relationship with each other and with Angie. Its time to acknowledge the loss, feel the pain, heal each other and learn how to go forward as a result. Loss of a child is devastating. Dealing with it even more difficult. It can tear families apart… these two need each other… I believe they have made a good and positive start. They just need to get to the point where they turn to each other every time, when in need of comfort and solace and to be present when those times arise.

      Thanks for the update….

    2. Hi Ada,

      This was so good, i almost don’t have words to describe how this chapter touched my heart.

      I don’t have children and can’t imagine what a devasted loss it is when your child suddenly dies, but you did a excellent job to describe what Bette and Tina went through when they lost Oli.

      I have full confidence in that this therapist will help Bette and Tina to come to terms with the loss of Oli and give it a place.

      For the rest, I can only say that I fully agree with what Martha has written in her comment.

      This is definitely one of the best chapters you have written!

      I know I don’t always write a comment but I’ll follow your story from the beginning and through to your last chapter!

      Thank you, be careful and stay healthy!

      • Thank you so much for such wonderful words, Bibi!
        Although your comments are not frequent, they are always very interesting to read. The feedback is really important to me, and the fact that you gave it this time is so nice. I hope that you will enjoy the continuation of this story no less. Thanks and be careful too!

    3. Ok, it was not easy chapter also.

      I like the story about how Tina’s cold reaction on Kit’s death might be subconsciously reaction and even revenge for Bette’s reaction for Oli’s death. I think it’s very trustworthy. – as the story in s3 when i think all Henry story was Tina’s subconsciously revenge to Bette for carpenter.

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